


I Don't Owe You An Explanation

by herondick



Category: The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:41:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26977531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herondick/pseuds/herondick
Summary: Matthew comes in drunk one night, and lets out all of his frustrations as Lucie tries to comfort him.
Relationships: Matthew Fairchild & Lucie Herondale, Matthew Fairchild/Lucie Herondale
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	I Don't Owe You An Explanation

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: all characters belong to Cassandra Clare.

Lucie had just finished readying herself for bed when she heard a knock on her door. She hastily threw on her dressing gown, and made for the door, not wasting a second to open it. It was very late in the evening, and if someone was knocking on her door at this hour, it was probably important.

Upon opening the door, though, she couldn’t stop the surprised gasp that escaped her lips. Matthew was standing before her, and he looked like an absolute wreck, which was very uncommon for him.

His usually perfect hair was in complete disarray, standing up and out at odd angles. There even seemed to be some leaves stuck in it. His cheeks were flushed, his eyes bright. His extravagant waistcoat was torn and covered in dirt, like he had been rolling on the ground all night. He was leaning heavily against her doorframe, as if he could barely hold himself up. “Lucie,” he muttered, and she was overwhelmed by the smell of alcohol on his breath.

She reached for him, as he had begun sliding down the doorframe. He was heavy, but she managed to get him into her bedroom and into one of the armchairs next to her bed. “Matthew, what on earth have you gotten yourself into? Does James know you’re here?”

He leaned his head back against the chair, looking up at her with a glazed look. “You mean this isn’t James’s room?” He moved his eyes around the room, taking in where he was. “To be quite honest, I don’t know how I ended up here.”

Lucie started at Matthew, who knew the Institute just as well as she did. “James’s room is across the hall, Matthew. Where it’s always been.” At his pained expression, she softened her voice. “Would you like me to fetch him for you?”

Matthew tried to sit up, but only collapsed back onto the chair. He rolled his head sideways to look at her. “No, don’t bother him.” He closed his eyes as if he meant to sleep, but Lucie wasn’t going to let that happen.

“Oh, no you don’t,” she said. She walked over to him, and pulled a leaf from his hair. “You are going to tell me what’s gotten into you. I’ve seen you drunk before, but never like this.”

Matthew opened his eyes to stare at her with a look that could cut glass. “I don’t owe you an explanation. For anything,” he spat back, his voice unusually cold.

For a moment, Lucie was shocked speechless. He had never spoken to her like this. He had always been nothing but kind to her. “I am only trying to help you,” she said finally, not bothering to hide the hurt in her voice.

He sighed. “I don’t deserve your help, Luce.” He sounded so distant and tired, and quite frankly, broken. “I just want to sleep.”

She knelt down in front of him, running a hand down his face. “Why don’t you deserve my help?” She shook her head. “Matthew, you have been so distant these past weeks. You haven’t been yourself. And now you show up at my door, drunk out of your mind? Please let me help you.”

He swallowed hard, and Lucie could see him gripping the arms of the chair. “I don’t deserve your help, because I have done terrible things,” he said, his voice cracking slightly. “Horrible, horrible things.”

“What things, Matthew?” she whispered. His behavior was very alarming to her, and she was going to do what she could to help him. “Please... talk to me.”

“Do you remember, when we were younger, how I would lift you up onto my shoulders so you could reach the books on the top shelves of the library? And then, once you got the book you wanted, you would force me to sit with you while you read, and sometimes you would even make me act out your favorite scenes.” He looked at her, and in the dim light of her room, she thought she could see tears in his eyes. “Do you remember that, Luce?”

She allowed herself a smile. “Yes, I remember,” she said, her mind going back in time. She remembered always going to Matthew when she needed help with something, like being able to reach the higher book shelves. But most of all, she remembered Matthew’s carefree laughter. He had always been carefree, but now it almost seemed as if there were a certain darkness around him. “We were so young then.”

“Indeed, we were young,” he said, and Lucie watched as a tear made its way down his cheek. “Young and innocent, with no stains upon us. I want to go back.” A sob escaped from his lips then, and Lucie launched herself forward, wrapping her arms around him.

She could feel him trembling as he leaned into her embrace. She had never seen Matthew like this, and she didn’t really know what to do. So, she just talked. “We are still young, Math,” she said. She shook her head then, realizing that he just needed comfort. “Everything is going to be alright.”

The tears began to fall faster as he talked. “I’m just so tired, Luce. So tired of pretending that I’m happy every day, putting on a happy face around everyone. It gets exhausting. I’m so tired of acting like everything is alright when it’s not. I’m so tired of taking care of everyone, and going out of my way to make sure everyone is happy. I’m tired of acting like I’m not in love with Cordelia...” he trailed off, his voice going quiet.

Lucie was at a loss for words. In love with Cordelia? “Matthew, stop putting so much pressure on yourself,” she said, ignoring his declaration of love for her best friend. “You don’t have to act or pretend like everything is alright. You are surrounded by so many friends and family who care about you, and will do anything to help ease your burdens.”

Lucie felt his tears falling hot onto her neck. She held his trembling body as his frustrations, the ones that he had been burying so deep inside, finally made their way out. “If they knew what I have done, they would hate me,” he whispered.

Lucie didn’t know what he had done, but she knew that even if she were to ask him, he probably would not tell her. She decided it was best to save her breath. “We could never hate you, Matthew,” was all she said.

Matthew didn’t say anything else, but Lucie held him until his trembling stopped and his tears dried. “Matthew?” she whispered.

He didn’t respond, so she glanced down and noticed that he was fast asleep. In sleep, he looked so innocent and at peace. His features weren’t twisted up in sorrow and anger. Lucie didn’t know what had been troubling Matthew, but she knew it was something dark and painful. But what she did know is that, when he decides he is ready to open up about whatever dark past he had faced, everyone would be there to support him.

She eased herself off the chair, careful not to disturb him. She grabbed a spare blanket from her bed, and draped it over him.

Lucie didn’t know if Matthew would remember any of their conversation in the morning. She hoped, for his sake, it all stayed a drunken blur. No matter what, though, she wouldn’t tell a soul anything he had told her. His secrets were safe with her.


End file.
